Growing up, Moving on and opening my eyes

I've had a rough year so far. My wife, aka my best friend, aka the love of my life, left me. I don't have my daughter waking me up every morning anymore. And recently left my other family, Tattoo's and Things, after seven years working there. Now I believe everything happens for a reason, and in all honesty I think these things happened for the best. I took all these things for granted, and used them as a crutch. With my wife, I got used to being with her all day everyday. I stopped trying. I got bored. And I fucked up. I thought she would always be there no matter what I did. I stopped doing the little things that made her happy, I stopped paying attention to her.

 Same with the tattoo shop. I was comfortable there. I got lazy, I was happy just to tattoo. But I didnt try to better my craft, I got complacent. I did enough to get by. I honestly believe I set myself back about 10 years in tattooing. I do well, but at the same time my shit isnt in magazines like it should be.

And this is where I believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes it takes trauma to light that fire. Sometimes it takes losing your entire world to realize you never even had one. You may think you have it, but if you look back, did you deserve it? Did you try your best to nurture it and let it grow? Did you try to open your little world to every body else? I didnt. I closed myself away in denial and selfishness. I assumed people would come to me and kiss my ass and get everything I wanted with no effort.

Now this has been like four or five months that this has happened. And now I am finally waking up. At first I hated myself, I despised myself. I got very self-destructive (as always) and closed myself up to wallow in my own misery.

But now things have changed. I feel different. I have always been very selfish. But now I think that selfishness evolved from a self-destructive standpoint to a more positive aspect. I'm going to focus on myself more but not in a selfish fuck the world way, but to improve myself, to be a better person and father to my daughter. To improve my career, to make more money for my daughter.

I have always been a loser, but times change, and so will I.

Now I wont apologize to anybody for my actions. I pushed a lot of people away. I just didnt realize it till my birthday last week. None of my friends that I had for years showed up besides my cousin my bestfriend Yvonne and Nichole. I know its all my fault because I have alienated a lot of people and pushed them away. No surprise there. I neglected them also.

Yvonne told me, after a horrible year, next year is going to be your best. I believe her, but I also believe I have to MAKE it my best year and not just hope it will be.