It's been a long time coming. And even longer a time making excuses. I am proud to announce that I am free. Free from what you may ask. Free from the shackles of laziness. Free from the cruel grasp of insecurity. Free from the prison of trying to make everybody happy.
For too long have I been driven to have every bodies attention. For too long have I sat idly by feeling sorry for myself.
I find myself on the edge of rage lately. Any little thing sets me off. And it took me a while to see that it wasn't every body else around me that got on my nerves,I found that it was the slow agonizing loss of control of my life. I go out of the way to help people, I offer them everything I have at my disposal to ease their burdens. But in hind sight what has it gotten me? And what, if anything, do I ever receive in return? Nothing. And its not like I do everything with the purpose of getting anything in return, besides the actual feeling of being helpful. And that is the key to my sudden moment of clarity. I help every body else to help them feel better about themselves personally and in their lives in general, why can it not work for me? Why is it so hard to believe that I can change my own life for the better.
You see, I've had it wrong this whole time. I am what I need to better my life. It seems like I've been lost in a miasma of self delusional thinking that I needed other people to make me happy. I lost my way on the main path of my life. I was no longer creative, I was no longer passionate about anything. I was just a shallow husk of a being who neither cared nor really loved anything around him. I existed from day to day. Now it is time to live.
And I don't mean from here on out I'm going to be a selfish ass hole, and in a way Ive always been a selfish asshole, but in order for me to flourish as an artist, writer and life period, I need to focus on myself. I need to explore me. Explore to the depths of my psyche that have never been touched before. Those places I have walled off because of my insecurities and phobias.
And I'm pretty excited about this journey I'm about to set out on. I'm excited about all the possibilities that exist outside the confines of these four walls that have slowly crushed my soul.
And with that, all I have to say is:
Keep an eye out people.......its time to shine.
